I'm in the middle of listening to an episode of Hidden Brain about the difficulty and power of saying no, and while it's fascinating, I find I'm mostly listening to it so I can better understand what others experience when they struggle to say no. I spend a lot of time these days fighting to say yes to things because I am, inherently, someone who says no a lot. I am really, really good at it.

And by that I mean I have legitimate no-saying talent and skill. So much so that my coworker used to joke that I was the enforcer on our team: if anyone needed to be told not to do something or that something wouldn't work or that we simply would not be participating, I was the one to handle it and only rarely experienced any pushback. I also coached her and many others in my life on how, exactly, to tell others no.

It's been many years since I've held that role, so it's a little tricky to recall the exact details of any of those nay-sayings, but one of the points that the psychologist in this Hidden Brain episode makes is that people try to soften their no with a compromise—"I really can't but if you need me to, I will," for instance—and I think one of the things I coached people through was how to say no firmly but with respect.

Much of the time, they were dealing with people they liked and wanted to please—customers, of course, but also friends or parents or siblings—and when dealing with people they liked, they didn't want to seem inconsiderate or cruel. And so we would work through how to turn someone down while ensuring the words and the tone were thoughtful and measured and earnest. "See?" those nos would convey, "I'm not saying no because I don't care for or respect you. I'm saying no because I've really thought about this and no is the correct answer. I'm saying no because I need to."

I have no doubt our practice runs helped, but I also really think that shifting the tone toward careful consideration helped the no feel like something that honored the relationship instead of something that had the power to destroy it. And with that in play, it was easier to be firm and confident in the no instead of equivocal or nervous or defensive.

I don't miss being the enforcer, though it absolutely vibes with my shieldmaiden energy, and saying yes to more things these days feels right as I try to battle through my fear and anxiety and embrace my embarrassing awkwardness in, like, everything. But I did really enjoy helping people figure out how to articulate their boundaries and view their nos as important sign posts for what they wanted and needed from the people in their lives. I hope I'll get to do that again.